My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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