wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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