I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
