I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize