Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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