there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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