Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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