I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
