So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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