I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
