Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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