No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
how drunk are you?
Several
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
