Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
