Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
