So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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