There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
