please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
