Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish you could order shots online.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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