Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
