So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
