Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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