i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
