i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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