So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
