my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
