i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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