Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
