my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
