I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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