I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
