Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
