the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
