I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
