At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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