Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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