Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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