He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
