I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I feel great
I just peed on a car
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
