Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
