Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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