Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
