We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
