More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
