the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize