saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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