He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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