my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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