rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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