She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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