I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
