My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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