I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
