apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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