Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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