A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize