I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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