The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
