Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
