you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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