I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
