On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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