i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
