I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
