I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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