I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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