he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
