So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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