I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
