Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
